The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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