Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
