Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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