don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
