So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize