...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
