I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
