my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
oh god was she eating orange peels again
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize