I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i will never coherently bang her
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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