I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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