you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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