Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
