Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
