The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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