Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
