I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
