Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize