I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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