he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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