Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
