She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize