Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
