I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
