So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
