We named our party play list daddy issues
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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