gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
