Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
