Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
