Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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