Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize