pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
