Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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