Dual....:-)
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
