Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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