I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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