Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
