hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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