remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
