When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
