but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
