Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
