You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
