I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
