apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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