New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you would pick up someone in the library
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
