I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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