i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
