Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you would pick up someone in the library
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
