I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
