I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
