I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
