Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
