I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
