i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
