Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
