yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize