Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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