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Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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