He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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