im six kinds of drunk right now
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
