omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
