Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
